


Maybe I’ve Just Had Too Much (To Drink, To Smoke, To Swallow)

by thecoloursinthegravel



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Substance Abuse, Timelines, Truth or Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 04:02:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10936584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecoloursinthegravel/pseuds/thecoloursinthegravel
Summary: Luke searched Ashton’s eyes, not knowing what he was looking for. He held his stare steady and asked, “Why were you drinking alone?”





	Maybe I’ve Just Had Too Much (To Drink, To Smoke, To Swallow)

**9 th September, 11:24am**

“You don’t have to be okay all the time. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, yeah ‘course I do, man,” he sniffed and smiled like he hadn’t just been admitted to hospital for alcohol poisoning the night before. “I’m good, really. Don’t worry about me, okay? No need.” He threw Luke another smile and chuckled, reaching out his hand to ruffle Luke’s hair. “Besides, since when were you the dad of the group? That’s my job. And frankly I’m offended you’re tryna put me out of work.”

Luke didn’t look sure, he didn’t feel right leaving it. But Ashton looked so weirdly together. Considering. “Ash if you need to talk-“

“Luke, I’m fine,” he said and it almost sounded like he meant it. But it was a bit too dismissive, a bit too happy, a bit too good to be true. “I really- I just had too much to drink last night, okay? You know how it is! You get a bit carried away when you’re in the mood to drink, I don’t know.”

Luke searched Ashton’s eyes, not knowing what he was looking for. He held his stare steady and asked, “Why were you drinking alone?”

A flick of something in Ashton’s eyes passed before Luke could really be sure he wasn’t imagining it. Then they were bright again, matched with that ever-present smile, “Because, and I know it sounds sad, but I just fancied a drink and didn’t fancy company. Simple. Like you’ve never done that before,” he said as he elbowed Luke in the chest.

“I’ve never nearly drank myself to death alone, no.”

“Look man, I get you’re worried but you really don’t need to be. There’s no deeper meaning,” Ashton emphasised his words with lazy hand gestures, “I’m not-“ Ashton caught Luke’s eyes again and tipped his head down slightly. “I’m fine. Trust me.”

And how could he not? Ashton’s mouth went into a lopsided smile and he gave Luke’s arm a reassuring squeeze. Luke felt a tightness in his chest and still wore worry on his face, but he reluctantly nodded, “Okay.”

 

 

**16 th September, 12:19am**

“Dude, since when do you smoke?”

“Since this is a party and you need to liven up a little, Luke.” Ashton yelled over the music. “Seriously, that frown is gonna have carved its way onto your forehead permanently if you don’t let up soon.” Ashton winked at Luke, taking another drag followed by a swig of what Luke hoped was just beer.

“I’m not sure you should be drinking that much, you’ve been going for a while now, and the hospital said-“ Ashton shot him a warning look. Luke didn’t let up. “What is that, your sixth? Seventh? And what even is it?”

“Luke, shut up and have a good time or I’ll personally force a smile onto that face somehow.”

Luke went to say something but gave up before he opened his mouth. He just looked at Ashton, concern etching his features. “Well if you’re drinking, you’re not doing it alone. Pass me that.”

“That’s the spirit!” Ashton cheered as he handed Luke the plastic cup in his hand.

 

 

**16 th September, 2:06am**

“Truth or dare! Truth or dare! We’re playing truth or dare!” Yelled a voice from the other side of the room.

Ashton turned towards Luke, gripping his shoulder a bit too tightly. “Led- letz play, man.”

“I don’t think so.” Luke chuckled.

“Luukee, c’mon it’s ffun. J’st a game, jeeez.”

“Ash, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” Luke giggled out, trying for a serious voice but sounding like what Ashton had proposed was the funniest thing. Luke was significantly less drunk than Ashton but still felt his head spinning while his limbs seemed simultaneously heavier and lighter than usual. And he really, really wanted to laugh. So he did.

“Why – _hic_ – why are you laughing?” Ashton’s smile stretched across his face as he started to laugh too. His hand was still on Luke’s shoulder and his head made its way there as well, too heavy to hold up.

The boys were collapsing on one another now, laughing so hard they ended up on the carpeted floor.

They lay side by side, one arm touching the other’s, until they were quiet, bar for the odd stray huff of laughter.

“Ashton?”

“Mm-yes?”

“Shall we play our own,” Luke put one finger up, signalling the importance of the next part, “Super brilliant, much better than the others’, version of truth or dare?” He turned over on his side to look directly at Ashton. Ashton mirrored his movements. “Just us.”

“’Kay.” Ashton breathed out with a smile and a flick of his eyes down to Luke’s lips.

“Okay. You first. Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Why were you drinking alone last week?”

Ashton looked into Luke’s eyes and stayed like that for a while before answering.

“’Cause I don’t know how else to feel anymore.”

Luke’s breath hitched.

“Ashto-“

“Your turn. Truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“Kiss me.”

Luke’s eyes went wide as they stared up at Ashton’s. “Really?”

“Mm hm.”

Luke paused for a moment, scanning Ashton’s face for a sign he was joking.

Then he leant forward, squeezing his eyes shut, hoping this wasn’t a dream. Hoping he’d heard Ashton right. Hoping he wasn’t about to make a fool of himself. But that fear disappeared when their lips met. Ashton kissed back just as hard, hands finding their way around Luke’s neck, one tangling itself in his hair.

The kiss was heated, uncoordinated, but like years of want finally getting released. Tongues were exploring mouths, hands wandering and holding and feeling. Noses brushed against each other, their breath heavy and filled with need. When they finally pulled apart, their lips were swollen and red, chests heaving to fill their lungs back with oxygen.

“Fuck.” Luke breathed out.

“Fuck,” returned Ashton.

A second passed before Luke spoke. “Truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“Do that again.”

 

 

**19 th September, 3:40pm**

The first thing Luke heard as he entered the flat was the sound of throwing up coming from the bathroom down the hall.

“Ashton? Ashton, are you okay?”

He pushed the door to the bathroom open slowly and saw a half passed out Ashton slumped over the toilet bowl, vomit at the edges of his mouth and down his chin.

“Fuck, Ashton.” Luke said softly, lowering himself onto his knees and stroking his hand through Ashton’s hair. “It’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay, alright? You just need to get it out.” Luke eyed the empty bottle of whiskey tipped over by the bath and sighed sadly. “You’re gonna be alright, Ash.”

 

 

**20 th September, 1:15pm**

“Pasta?”

“Nah thanks mate, I’m alright.”

“’Kay.”

“Ash?”

“Yup?”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Ashton stilled by the kitchen counter, the muscles on his back visibly tense. “Talk about what?”

“Last night.”

“Oh,” Ashton laughed, slipping into his easy-going, happy persona again. “Yeah, sorry about that, man.” He scratched the back of his neck and made a _whoops_ face.

“No need to be sorry, just… Just maybe go easy next time, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah of course.” Ashton grinned back easily.

“And maybe- maybe when you feel like doing that, just, just come to me, yeah?”

“What d’ya mean?”

“You know, if you’re feeling… however you were feeling, just call me. Or wake me up, or something. Just come get me first before you start drinking, yeah?”

Ashton chuckled, “Why, you wanna join?”

“No Ashton.” Luke’s tone was serious.

“Then what?” Ashton raised an eyebrow as if he really didn’t understand what Luke was getting at.

“Ash if you ever feel like you want to drink yourself to death then fucking talk to me first so I can stop you, okay?”

Ashton seemed taken aback, his mouth open and his eyebrows stitched together.

“I- I don’t know-”

“Please don’t say you don’t know what I’m talking about Ashton.” Luke’s voice was desperate now.

“But I don’t.”

“ _Ashton_.”

“ _Luke_.” Ashton said pointedly. “I’m fine.” He promised with a little smile.

 

 

**24 th September, 7:28pm**

_One._

_Two._

_Three._

_Four._

_Five._

_Wash it down._

_Handful._

_Handful._

_Wash it down._

_Choke._

_Wash it down some more._

_You’ll be fine now._

_You’ll be okay now._

_Everything’s gonna be okay now._

 

 

**24 th September, 9:04pm**

“Luke?” His voice was half gone, a crack away from disappearing.

“Ashton? Ashton, Jesus fucking Christ are you okay? Ashton? Ash? No no no no, no you stay with me, NO! FOR FUCK’S SAKE NO YOU WAKE UP, YOU WAKE UP, WAKE UP!” Tears streamed down Luke’s face and his hands grabbed Ashton’s sides, face, arms, anything, trying to shake him awake. “Don’t you do this to me, don’t you dare do this to me, don’t you leave me alone. Not like this, not like this,” he sobbed over and over into Ashton’s chest, hands balled into tight fists in his shirt.

Doctors and nurses swarmed the room, pulling Luke away from Ashton and ushering him into the stark white of the hallway. Luke sank down the walls, screaming and sobbing, hands curled into fists in his hair. He yelled at no one, telling the world what a stupid, unfair, ugly place it was. Telling the world that if it took Ashton, it would have to take Luke too.

 

 

**25 th September, 3:47am**

“I don’t think I’m okay Luke.”

“I know,” he said into Ashton’s hair, clutching on for dear life from where they lay, side by side, on the thin hospital bed.

“Luke?”

“Yeah?”

“I tried to kill myself. That first time. With the alcohol.”

“I know Ashton. I know.”

“Luke?”

“Yeah?”

“I did it again. Today. With the pills.”

“I know Ashton.”

“Luke?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t wanna be like this anymore.”

Tears striped silently down Luke’s face as he pulled Ashton into him like his life depended on it. He littered his face with kisses and cried until he couldn’t cry anymore.

After silence had swallowed the room for what felt like a lifetime, Ashton said, “Luke?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Luke choked back the urge to cry again, “And I love you. I love you so fucking much, Ashton Irwin. I love you so much it hurts. If I ever lost you…” Luke closed his eyes and forced himself to breathe.

Ashton just lay there. Quietly. Barely moving apart from the steady rise and fall of his chest. He looked tired. He looked so drained of everything. Of energy, of happiness, of care. Of life.

But there was a swell in his chest when he shifted to look in Luke’s eyes. He wanted to die. But he didn’t want to want to die anymore. And that was a start.

Luke, maybe, was his start. Which meant maybe there was more of the story to be told. Maybe Luke would be his start. And maybe he’d be there for the middle too. Maybe he’d make it to the end. But for once, Ashton didn’t want to see the end so soon.

So he took Luke’s face in his hands and kissed him. And he didn’t stop kissing him until he realised he was crying. Ashton hadn’t cried in years. Ashton didn’t cry. But suddenly everything was coming out at once and all the feeling he’d dismissed as lost came crashing back down around him.

And with a shaky smile and tears streaming like bullets down his face, he pulled back, kissed Luke on his forehead, and said, “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

 

 

                    

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Empty by Olivia O'Brien


End file.
